...Happy Father's day!! (A few days early.) I love you bunches and bunches!" ~Haley-Bug
Look how cute, smiley, and pink my pretty baby girl is. I think people are right when they say the pain of losing a child never diminishes or gets any better, that you just learn to live with it. Sometimes I swear I miss her more with each passing day as opposed to missing her less (not that I guess I ever really thought I would miss her less). You are the light of my life, Haley-Bug. And the goal of having someone even a fraction as wonderful as you in my life again is the only thing that keeps me going most days.
And I guess that brings up the topic of the terrible comments that drove me to make my blog private. Now that I know those anonymous commentors can't read what I'm writing, I feel the desire to at least partially respond. I know I should just be able to ignore what ignorant people say, but their cruel, unthoughtful, and misunderstanding comments stirred up a lot of things I have worried about myself when I think of having another child. So now I feel the need to write them down on here, that way, once again, I don't have to keep track of them in my brain.
1) Clearly I am not trying to replace Haley. Haley is 100% irreplaceable. When she first passed away I initially thought (for about the first 4 days) that I would want to wait at least 6 months or so before considering trying again. I couldn't bear the thought that she might think I was trying to replace her, and I was afraid that if I had another baby it would be in an attempt to replace her and not out of my desire for a new, unique baby - which I think would be cruel and horrible. But after about 4 days I realized that was the biggest load of bullshit I'd ever come up with, that no one could ever be like Haley and I would never want to replace her because that's just not possible. Also, we've always wanted more than one child and eventually we would have had more even if Bug had lived. So it can hardly be construed as replacement when we're doing something we planned to do anyway. Besides which, I firmly believe that Haley-Bug would want us to be happy and have more children, and I do not believe that she would wish us to be childless and miserable forever.
2) Empty Arm Sydrome is possibly the worst thing ever. I can't wait to fill this house up with baby cuddles, sounds, smells, and toys again. I can't wait to meet our next wonderful child, get to know their cute little personality, and see what she or he may have in common with their big sister and in what ways they might be totally different!
3) 18 months ago, Chadmo and I decided we were ready to become parents. If we were ready then I'm not sure why anyone would think we should wish to be childless for some obscure period of time now. I know before I had kids, before I was ready to have kids, I might have thought you would've wanted to give yourself time to grieve or some such nonsense. Now I know I have the rest of my life to grieve, that that's never going to change, and that I was ready to be a parent then and I'm sure as heck still ready now. If you've known me well, you've known that I have wanted children forever. And note the use of children, not child. Plural. Children. After having our incredible Haley-Bug in our lives, we know more than ever that our desire for children was the correct thing for us. That there's nothing more amazing than loving a baby. We can't wait to love a second baby, while we continue to love our first of course.
4) Anyone who thinks you can replace a child with a dog, or who thinks that's what I meant by my last post, is laughable. As a veterinarian I feel I'm particularly exposed to the ridiculous statement that I hear at least once a day "My pets are like my children." Either these people have never had children or should've never had children. I adore my pets, I think they're incredible, but not for one instant do I believe they are on the same page as Haley-Bug or any future children. I love my pets an awful lot. I would be heart broken without them. But you know what? I've already had 5 dogs and some ridiculous number of cats in my past. I had Mary, my cat from when I was 4 till I was 17, until the day after I graduated from high school. When she died I cried for days and days and days. I thought I would never get over her. And now, though part of me is ashamed to say it, there are actual whole days that go by that I never think of Mary. I love her. I miss her. But there is not one second of the day that goes by when I don't think of Haley, and I can guarantee you there will never be an hour for the rest of my life that goes by that I won't think of her. And more importantly, I don't want there to ever BE an hour that goes by in which I wouldn't think of her. No, I am an avid pet lover, a veterinarian, a proud owner of 3 dogs and 2 cats, and I am here to tell you that your pets are not your kids. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, and I know mostly it's a harmless statement that even I have been known to say, but if you really think about it you know it's not true. (At least if you have real kids.) Don't think I'm crazy, when people come in and say that to me I say "Oh I know! I have 3 dogs and 2 cats of my own!" But don't you dare accuse me of trying to replace my child with a dog!
5) The fear of having another child with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome is constantly with me. Before I was ever pregnant with Haley I was the paranoid person who had cystic fibrosis carrier testing done and was plotting out what genetic defects we could be screened for before hand. If I was terrified of the possibility of a problem then, you can imagine what I'm like now. We will never have a normal pregnancy, that's not in the cards for us. Forever we will be "High Risk." Testing will begin on any future pregnancies by 11 weeks at the latest. Possibly at 20 weeks we will be done with extra testing (by testing I mean ultrasounds at the High Risk Center, at least), but probably they'll want to keep a closer eye on us than average after that even if everything's normal to that point. But people like Tobie and Tisha and Diane are my shining examples of hope: people who have had one child with a severe genetic defect and have gone on to have multiple healthy, happy babies afterwards. HLHS is no more hereditary than the defects they faced, and I hope and pray every day that we will be as lucky as they have been and have healthy babies from now on.
6) I don't believe for one minute that Haley-Bug suffered her whole life. Perhaps she had ~5 days where she felt worse than the average baby might have to experience, but as a whole I think she led a wonderful, happy, pain-free, and fear-free life. And that's all I have to say about that.
Well, that's all for tonight. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I may think of more to add later. On a side note: no 4th dog - Cupcake is still looking for someone to love her! Chad and I just decided that 3 dogs are really more than enough, and mostly I just wanted to have a puppy to house train and play with to distract me from the pressures of trying to get pregnant and trying to get our Columbus house to sell. But neither of us wanted a permanent 4th addition, and really it would probably just be more stress rather than relaxation. I have 3 puppies and 2 kitties here, ready to love me at the drop of a hat, and we'll all just have to make more of a point to take long walks together and try to destress. They were awfully neglected when Bug was around, and hopefully they'll be neglected again soon ;), so I guess we better spoil them rotten now!
P.S. Thank so much to everyone for all the supportive comments, emails, and talks after last week's 'drama'. It really meant a lot to me, and I needed it. We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
Haley's Christmas tree - in the cemetery. We had a bit of a snafu with the headstone, so we are in the process of ordering a new one from a different company. In the meantime, the foundation makes a good spot for her Christmas tree! After Christmas we'll plant this little blue spruce by our house, and think of Haley-Bug every time we look at it.
November 6th, 2010 - Poppy shot a big buck (with his new crossbow) after only 1.5 hours in the woods! He's a 10 point buck with 2 stickers (or a 12 point atypical buck) and really he's a beauty. He's off at the butcher's now, and our freezer is anxiously awaiting venison roasts and tenderloin. Which brings us to the title of my blog post today: After dropping the deer off at the butcher's (you have to bring the body to the butchers with the head attached so they know you're not poaching), Dad had the deer head and thus attached rack in the back of his truck. We had to swing by Kroger's to pick up lunch meat and Dad wanted me to stay in the truck so nobody would steal the rack out of the back. So while I'm sitting in the car I decided to call Chad, who asked me what I was doing, to which I replied "Oh, just sitting in the Kroger parking lot, guarding Dad's deer head." Chad thought this was hilarious, and I guess in retrospect it isn't a typical lunchtime activity.
Another buck picture, but with the proud hunter this time.
November 6th, 2010 - Mom's birthday was this Monday (November 8th) but we celebrated on Saturday when Kelly, Jesse, and Grandma McMillan could all come down. I made a carrot cake at Mom's request (there are pecans in the frosting, it is not frosted with mashed red skin potatoes like it looks like in the picture!), and it was quite tasty if I do say so myself. We also had BBQ ribs, mashed red skin potatoes, green beans, asparagus, and Grands biscuits for birthday dinner. All in all it was a really fun and relaxing weekend. Hopefully Mom thought so too!
The birthday girl with her pile of presents! Happy Birthday Mom (& Grandma!)
Pictured above from left to right: Front row: Emrie Dickerson, Tobie, Christopher, and Jonathon Wolfe, Me, Jess Steinbrink. Back row: Greg, Heather, and Henry Dickerson, Beth Picklesimer, Cindy Musser, Katy Klingelhafer, Greg Gallenstein, Sydney Waugh, Chadmo, and Tom Steinbrink. (Missing from the picture because they were straggling behind socializing ;) - Mom & Poppy and Miss Libby Carstensen.) 
I remember the weight of her in my arms, snoozing while I rocked her, perfectly. And right now I can remember her amazing baby lotion, dreft, and indescribable baby smell so well that it's impossible to believe she's not right here. I've held many other babies since last I held Haley, and only cousin Ryan has even come close to smelling like her. He was close enough I think I could've just stood around, closed my eyes, and smelled him all day - but he might've gotten a little creeped out with that! For awhile Haley's one blanket still smelled like her. I folded it up carefully with the best smelling part inside, and once in awhile when I really needed it I could go bury my face in that smell. Only inhaling mind you, never exhaling on that precious blanket. But much to my dismay it did not last. Now I can only smell her in my mind, but it's amazing how real it is. I think the only other smell I have that's that distinct in my mind is the smell of airbags after they've gone off (can you tell I've been in a couple car wrecks?) And as acrid and distinct as that smell is in my brain, as vivid of memories it brings up and how the smell of it comes to be randomly or I might smell it when we drive by an accident and it makes my heart race, I can't just make it magically appear when I want to. (Though I don't know why I'd want to...) But Haley, Haley I can smell anytime I want to if I just think about it hard enough. I love it, I love that I can do that, and it terrifies me that with time I might lose that ability. I don't want to forget a single second of Haley or of my life with Haley, and I pray to God that I don't ever lose that smell. But that airbag smell hangs in there, even though it's been 5+ years, so I hope that the much better, longer exposure, infinitely more craved smell of Haley will last for at least the next 50 years. And hopefully it's always available on demand. It's crazy what you can cling to when you have to.
Sorry for the late post again, at this point I thought I should just plan on blogging on Thursdays, but then the next thing you know I won't post till Friday. So it's probably best just to stick to thinking I'll do it Wednesdays and then be guilted into doing by Thursday at the latest! Wednesdays are my afternoons off, so you'd think I'd have more time those days but somehow I never seem to. Or, to be honest, sometimes I don't feel up to going through pictures. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all the pictures and don't know what I'd do without them, I only wish I had a million more of them. And somedays it's just plain hard to scroll through all those happy memories and moments. Other days it's all I want to do and I can spend hours looking at pictures and watching videos of my sweet little Bug. I have videos with her hiccupping, fussing, talking, and lots that are just of her being cute - and while they're heartbreaking to watch, I sincerely don't know how I'd survive without them. Somedays I just have to hear her voice again. Even though I can still recall it exactly in my mind, I just need to hear it out loud again. Or like when Mom came over the other day and she just had to hear the little song Haley's play gym played. We spent so many hours listening to that little tune, it's hard to believe I've only heard it a couple of times in the last 4 months. 
Chadmo and I just got home from a tasty dinner at Grandma Stevelt's with Mom, Poppy, Gerry, and Rosemarie. It was good to catch up with Gerry and Rosemarie who travel through Ohio on their trip from North Carolina to Michigan once or twice a year - they're old friends of my grandparents and they seem almost like a Great-Aunt & -Uncle to us, we love seeing them! If only Haley-Bug was here so they could meet her, I know her sweet smile would've won them over like it did everyone else. 
Look how cute, smiley, and pink my pretty baby girl is. I think people are right when they say the pain of losing a child never diminishes or gets any better, that you just learn to live with it. Sometimes I swear I miss her more with each passing day as opposed to missing her less (not that I guess I ever really thought I would miss her less). You are the light of my life, Haley-Bug. And the goal of having someone even a fraction as wonderful as you in my life again is the only thing that keeps me going most days. 
"Oops, I don't think I was supposed to say anything! Don't tell her I told you..."
"But in any case, here's a picture of the super cute puppy who is being a bad influence on her and making her want another dog. :) "
(Mommy note: I don't think I really want another dog, but I need a project. I'm trapped in this house and having no luck getting pregnant yet - yes, yes, I know it's only been 4 months but that doesn't make it any easier - and I need a distraction. And this puppy, known as 'Cupcake' at the breeders, would be an awfully cute distraction, wouldn't she??)
I wanted to blog yesterday, and then again this early evening right after work, but I honestly didn't know what to write about. A lot of weeks I start to 'write' my blog days in advance in my head, I think it's a therapeutic way for me to think about problems or worries constructively. For example, I think of how I want to write what I'm feeling, fine tuning it as the week goes, and then once I write it down and send it out into space I kind of get to move on from that worry for a little while. I know it's there, I know I won't forget about it and if I do need reminding I can just come and read the well thought out version of how I am feeling instead of the jumbly unsorted out way I might feel at any moment. It sounds funny, but if I think back that's really pretty much how it goes. 
Tonight I had some much needed Baby Therapy. After taking the dogs for a walk up the hill this evening I decided to run some little presents I'd gotten for Lauren Hildy out to John & Angie's house and hope that I could sneak in some baby kisses. Boy was I in luck! She had just had her bottle and a bath and was quite the happy little bright-eyed and bushy-tailed monster! I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I've seen her, and she is so pretty, she even reminds me a bit of my Haley-bug. I got to hold her for almost 2 hours, and for the last half hour she was asleep and making all those adorable baby-sleeping-faces: smiling, frump faces, etc. I got to give her lots of smooches on the top of her head and on her chubby cheeks, and I got to rock her to sleep - something I miss doing SO much. She was even like Haley in the fact that when she got a little sleepy she wanted her binky, but then when she fell asleep she would spit it out and not want it anymore - so much better than when they insist on having it to be able to sleep! :) She is a sweet, beautiful little girl and John and Angie definitely seem like proud, happy parents (as they should be!)
"EWW! Not that icky formula! I like breastmilk, Mommy!"
(Well, there should be a 3rd picture of a satisfied looking Baby-roo who got her way and had a tasty breastmilk bottle instead of an icky one with formula mixed in with it, but for some reason Blogger won't let me upload it right side up - only side ways! So this is all for now. She really didn't enjoy that transition much, and I was very sad breastfeeding didn't last longer for us as well. But formula sure did help her sleep at night!)
I miss the cute wiggly toes that filled out those pink bunny 'slippers' so much, especially when a certain silly baby would get all excited and kick, kick, kick like she was going to fly away!
I love you with all of my heart, my little rosy cheeked, peach fuzz haired, button nosed, smoochable faced, wonderful smelling, smart and focused, giggly, wiggly, lovely-pie Haley-bug.
Her sleeper pretty much sums it up - she is beyond adorable! That sleeper came with a little bib that said "Off to Grandma's", and underneath her sleeper she was wearing a long sleeved onesie that said "Grandpa's Girl", so she's very pro Grandma & Grandpa in this picture. :) As she should be!
We miss you more than anything in the whole entire world Haley-bug. We love you more than anything in the whole entire world too, and we continue to love you more and more each day.
Oh this picture breaks my heart. 
