If your spouse dies, they call you a widow. And if your parents die, they call you an orphan. But when your child dies, there are no words for that. So what are we? Certainly I am still a parent, but when people ask me if I have children, an awkward pause inevitably follows. I cannot dismiss the amazingness that was and is Haley-Bug by saying "No", but saying "Yes" also feels like lying. Instinctively I would respond yes, but the pause is due to that moment of indecision when I'm trying to decide if I feel like lying or going to the effort of explaining. Sometimes it's just easier to pretend - pretend I'm just a normal parent with a beautiful little girl at home. And I think the reason there is no word for this state of complete tragedy is because it goes so completely against nature - you're supposed to outlive your parents, one spouse will most likely live longer than the other, but children should not die before their parents do. What we are goes against nature, we are unnatural. Somehow I think it would help if there was a word for it, it is worrisome to wonder "What am I?" and have no responding answer.
I've started acupuncture this week for a variety of reasons - stress, anxiety, depression, lethargy, irritability, and of course fertility - I really enjoyed my session on Wednesday (I've been before a couple of years ago for stress and really thought it helped) and am looking forward to going back weekly for the next 5 weeks and then bimonthly after that. It makes me feel hopeful and proactive about my future. As someone who has been a lifelong avid hater of needles, I don't even think it hurts and in fact feel that quite to the contrary it makes me feel physically and mentally so much better. I've also been making a real effort to get more exercise, mostly walking with the dogs, and I think that makes me feel better too, or at least it gives me a goal to work towards again. So here's hoping that between the two my perspective can change and start to look a little rosier.
I can't even begin to think what it is like when you are addressed with the question of kids or not. Yes, you are loving parents and it breaks my heart knowing that there are such wonderful parents aching for another little angel to love and you are going through this struggle. Everytime I see you at PC and you ask how the boys are I just want to hug you because I heart breaks for you. Honestly, I have never known you that well, but my heart breaks deeply for you. So, when you ask I try to keep you updated so that you can think about what stage miss Haley would be a right about now. I am praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are doing acupuncture! I'm sure it will help in many different areas. I know what you mean about being asked about kids. Sometimes I respond "one" and other times I mention that we have two...a 22-month-old son and a daughter who was stillborn 3 1/2 years ago. It's so hard, emotionally and logistically, to explain to others your child who is no longer on this earth because you know that they are only looking for a short answer: one, two, etc. and when you acknowledged your deceased child, you can just see in their eyes that it's more information than they were prepared for. But I hate not acknowledging her because she is my daughter, she's my first child, she's Jonathon's sister, she was here, I think of her every day, and I want the world to know that she was here and that she made a tremendous impact on my husband's life and my life. She matters to us and she counts as our child. Sometimes I get mad at our society because so many people who have been in our situation don't talk about their deceased children, don't talk about their struggles with infant illnesses, loss, stillbirths, etc.. You feel like you're the only one going through it and the only one trying to keep their memory alive. I wish more people had the courage that you have, Kristy, to open their hearts and let their emotions spill out so that others don't feel so alone. You are an inspiration to me and have helped me to come to terms with a lot of my emotions so that I don't feel like I'm the only one in the world who has had these broad range of emotions and reactions to the world. Our daughters will live forever through us and our subsequent children; they will not be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteHaley looks so much like Daddy in this picture. This is such a happy moment picture but it makes me cry. I cry every time I read your blog. Sometimes I read them several times.
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed by your insight as well as your honesty. Why is there no word? Why? I think it goes back to how our society deals with death of babies and children. Its almost like people don't want to talk about it or make words for it because its so unimaginable to most people.
I really wish Haley bug were still here. I wish so much that things were different for all of you. Keep on keeping on. I know there are good things ahead.
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You are a mother, Kristy. Your daughter does not live on this Earth any longer. She lives in your heart and your memories and in every breath you take. She was once a part of you physically and will always be a part of you. You are a mother.
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