Ineffable

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the cutest, happiest baby of them all? Haley-Bug!

I wanted to blog yesterday, and then again this early evening right after work, but I honestly didn't know what to write about. A lot of weeks I start to 'write' my blog days in advance in my head, I think it's a therapeutic way for me to think about problems or worries constructively. For example, I think of how I want to write what I'm feeling, fine tuning it as the week goes, and then once I write it down and send it out into space I kind of get to move on from that worry for a little while. I know it's there, I know I won't forget about it and if I do need reminding I can just come and read the well thought out version of how I am feeling instead of the jumbly unsorted out way I might feel at any moment. It sounds funny, but if I think back that's really pretty much how it goes.

But this week, this week my thoughts are all over the place. I can't 'write' them out in advance because I jump from one worry to another. For the last few weeks the way I've been feeling can only be described as ineffable (how's that for an oxymoron - the only way to describe this feeling is 'indescribable'.) The closest I can come is 'uneasy', or 'anxious', but those aren't right either. 'Indecisive' is close, but that's only part of the way I've been feeling, not all of it. It's like I have this lurking sensation, like someone's following me or like I'm just waiting for something to happen but I don't know what I'm waiting for. One minute I want to fly to Denmark and run away for a year, the next I want to buy a house. Or maybe I just feel like going swimming? No wait, I'm so sad I don't think I'll ever get out of bed again. Let's make lots of plans for this weekend and do all sorts of crazy, fun things! But maybe I'd rather just relax at home? Maybe we should just stay in this house, who wants to move again? God, I hate that stupid house in Columbus, I lay awake at night thinking about it for hours. Oh shoot, don't forget to chart my basal body temperature. Maybe we should get another dog. Maybe we should shave Bianca? I love my job. Man, I need a vacation now. And I don't feel like talking, which if you know me you know that's just not right. In the last couple weeks I have thought on more than one occasion, "Why does everyone keep talking so much?" And I'm pretty sure that's not a thought I've ever had before in my life. Indecision is clearly not my forte either, I'm the girl who's known what she's wanted in life since she was 2, I don't like it when I don't have a plan. But right now I make a plan, and the next day I hate that plan, throw it away, and start over. It's exhausting.

Maybe part of the problem is that we were so close. We were so close to being happy. We were so close to having all our plans work out. And then those plans, my dreams, just dropped right out of the sky like an anvil. Now those dreams are shattered, and like Humptey Dumptey they can never be put back together again. Our lives will never be the same, our plans will never be the same, though we might be happy again someday we will never be as happy as we could've been if our Haley-bug was here. That potential is lost. When you've had plans and dreams for 24 years, it's not easy to let go of them. I always knew I was lucky to know so certainly what I wanted out of life, so many of my friends didn't even have a clue of what they wanted to do career wise until a couple years into college. Now I fully understand what a horrible feeling it is to not know what you want, to not have a plan. It's like being lost. I feel lost. And while I know it's a good thing that our lives will never be the same, that knowing Haley was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life, I can't help but dwell on the fact that everything would be just so much better if she could only still be here in my arms.