"EWW! Not that icky formula! I like breastmilk, Mommy!"
(Well, there should be a 3rd picture of a satisfied looking Baby-roo who got her way and had a tasty breastmilk bottle instead of an icky one with formula mixed in with it, but for some reason Blogger won't let me upload it right side up - only side ways! So this is all for now. She really didn't enjoy that transition much, and I was very sad breastfeeding didn't last longer for us as well. But formula sure did help her sleep at night!)Well, today I went back to the vet school for the first time in (I think) a year. It's incredibly difficult to think it's been that long, it sure seemed as familiar as if I'd just been there yesterday. I went back to take Farrah for her annual cardiology check-up, she has a common feline heart problem called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM) and is in a study with one of the cardiologists up there, Dr. Schoeber. All was good on her check up, her heart disease does not seem to have progressed since last year which is always good news. Somehow today almost felt more normal than any other day has in the last 2+ months - driving someone to the cardiologist in Columbus. Until today I'd never connected the fact that Haley-bug liked Farrah best of all the pets and that Farrah liked Haley-bug best too, my two heart babies. I only wish it was Haley-bug that I'd gotten to take to the cardiologist today (no offense Farrah).
It was fun to get to catch up with some of my favorite vet school friends today while I was there - Nicole, Matt, Dr. Green, Dr. Cober, Dr. Scansen, and Dr. Schoeber. Nicole was trying to convince me to come back and do a Rad Onc (radiation oncology) residency, and I have to admit part of me was tempted. But only a very illogical part, because what use would a Radiation Oncologist be in Logan, Ohio? Very little. But still, I do love Oncology and I miss my Nicole!
On a side note, this past weekend when we were up visiting Katy & Greg for their Kentucky Derby party, I was browsing in my favorite store - Fritzy Jacobs - when I discovered this adorable plate which I just had to buy and now eat my lunch on every day! It was just another little bit of Haley, popping out in one of my favorite places (one of the few public places Haley ever got to go!) and reminding me that she is always with me. Lady Bug decor seems to be everywhere this spring, maybe it always is and I've just never been so attuned to it before, but I'm grateful for the abundance all the same.
Lately I've been avoiding telling people, who don't already know, that Haley passed away. So long as they only ask questions in the past tense, such as "Did you have a boy or a girl? What name did you pick? Isn't having a baby wonderful? Are you managing to work full time?" I just answer them with the truth, we had a beautiful baby girl, Haley, yes - having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, and yes I am working full time. I just don't have the energy to correct them, and I imagine eventually they'll figure it out. If they keep prying, or ask other questions like "How is she?" etc, then I will tell them, but otherwise it's just easier not to. Maybe this isn't healthy, avoidance or something, but it's just too emotionally exhausting to explain to 1 or 2 new people a day. Pity is exhausting. I know they're sympathetic, but their pitying looks just rip my heart in two. Or people who you know know but who are obviously trying not to bring it up - but they can't help but give you these awful pitying looks. Then it's just better to get it out in the open. We think about her a million times a second, so there's no need to worry about bringing something up and making us sad. I'm always thinking about her, I'm always on the cusp of sad, and I've learned that I can cry a million times a day for a second at a time and move on. But those pitying looks when people think they're avoiding the topic and making you feel better, boy is that the opposite of how it works out. I want to talk about Haley, especially about happy Haley memories. I want everyone to remember her and how wonderful she was and is. So please, feel free to talk about her, and don't mind if I cry a little bit - it happens all the time.
Kristy, It is so hard to pick a favorite Haley picture and I keep saying that every photo is my favorite BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE these two.
ReplyDeleteThe plate is so cute. Sophie found a lady bug at the playground today and said "buh" (bug) and I thought of Haley-bug right at that moment. I think about Haley A lot.
The dream that I had about Haley a few days ago seemed so real. I keep thinking about it. I came to visit you and everyone in your family was there. I've never met anyone in your family but I've seen lots of pictures on this blog. Haley was there and she was older and she had longer hair and she was sitting up on a blanket holding a ball.
I was wondering why I had that dream. I think, I'm constantly thinking about Haley and wishing things were different. Sophie and I both keep Haley in our hearts daily. Little daily Haley bug. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more "buh"s around.
Lots and lots of love!
Kristy,
ReplyDeleteYes. This whole "daily Haley" thing has taken on a whole new meaning. Like Carrie, I think of her A LOT - "daily" - many times a day.
For example, Jace and I were outside a few days ago - and all of the sudden he said, "Look at that bird!" I looked over and sitting on our fence was a beautiful cardinal. Jace got so excited about it. And so did I. Right then and there - I prayed for you....and of course...thought about your sweet and precious Haley-bug. Maybe that cardinal showed up right when you needed an extra little prayer :)
I love seeing these pictures of Haley. I love hearing about Haley. I love going back and reading about all the loving and special things you did with her everyday. Thank you for sharing a little bit of her - and a little bit of you - with all of us here on the blog.
Thinking of you so often,
Kate
Kristy,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have this blog and that you are so open with your feelings. It makes me realize that I'm not alone in all the emotions that I have gone through.
I just want you to know that even though I never had the privelege of meeting Haley in person, I somehow feel as if I have known her. I don't know if it's because I keep checking up on you via your blog, or because we have both experienced loss, but even though I didn't really get to know you that well during vet school, I think of you and Haley every day. I think of what you must be doing or feeling, of the tears that must come when you look at Haley's pictures and she looks so beautiful and healthy, and I think of the milestones that Haley should be achieving now.
It still doesn't seem real. Especially when I see the pictures that you post. We should be able to just reach into that photo and hold that beautiful little baby.
I don't know if you've ever heard this song, but Natalie Grant is a contemporary Christian artist who wrote a song for some friends of hers who lost their 2-month old baby. The lyrics follow:
HELD
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Thinking of you & praying for you,
Tobie