I feel like I should write a cheerful post and tell you about all of the things we've been doing to keep busy and the fun we've been having with the best friends anyone could ask for, that way you can all think we're doing better (or at least well) and not worry about us. But, in spite of all the things we've been doing and the wonderful friends, that would be a lie. I think instead of feeling better as the days go by I, in fact, feel worse. Each day I miss her more and more, and exactly as the 'Guide to Grieving' booklet said I would, I think to myself "But I was doing so well, what happened?" Maybe it is just all the people being gone, the shock wearing off, the realization that life moves on without our cherished Haley-bug, or the fact that designing a gravestone for your 5 1/2 month old daughter is something you should never have to do. Maybe it's because it's St. Patrick's Day and I wish I could dress her in green and threaten to pinch her, or the fact that the weather was so beautiful out today and she would have loved our Wednesday afternoon walk back to Serio's when she wouldn't have had to be bundled up like a little Laplander baby. Perhaps it was that horrible Williams-Sonoma catalog that arrived with all the Easter decorations on the front - and I could just picture Mr. Bun-Bun celebrating his favorite holiday for years to come by being the star of Haley's Easter basket, dressed in a new outfit each year, and filling her Easter basket with the chocolate lady bugs that were just a few pages into the catalog. That Easter reminds me of the beautiful Tulip dress she got from Aunt Kelly, that would've fit her perfectly this Easter and now she will never get to wear it. That I can't imagine a single holiday without her, nor do I want to. Maybe it was the picture on the back of a magazine, a picture of a Daddy holding a little girl in the crashing waves of the ocean, and the fact that we are supposed to go to the beach without our Haley-bug this year and that there is nothing I would rather do less. She will never sit on the beach and have the waves crash on her feet, chase real crabs with flash lights, and get salt water in her mouth. I don't want to go on vacation, and I don't want there to be holidays, and I don't want the world to keep pretending like things are normal - but that would be giving up, that would be not living life, and that is not an option. So we go to work, and we smile, and we try to keep living life - because what else can we do?
Thanks for your honest and touching reflection, Kristy! Everything you say is so true. But you should know that even though it seems that the world goes on without noticing or acknowledging that Haley is gone, it's not completely so. I think about her every day, as do several others at Children's. I know...because we keep talking about her and you guys and how hard and unfair her death was. So, at least part of this world noticed and misses her. I know that doesn't make it better and doesn't bring her back but hopefully it gives you permission to not have to feel better. ~Kamil
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words. I can't imagine how hard it is to try to be "normal", when your are missing such a huge part of you.
ReplyDeleteI wish so badly that you could have all of those things, I wish this hadn't happened at all! It is such an unfair hand life has dealt you, and so hard to deal with. Just know that Haley is not, and will not be forgotten. My family still talks about her, and we still pray for all of you.
I pray the peace of God for you each day, multiple times a day. It's a peace that transcends our understanding. I pray for all your memories to be protected and stay with you always. And one day, I hope those memories will over-take your sorrows.
But until that day, we will be praying, and thinking of Haley. And remembering what a great little bug she was.
Thinking of you always,
The Beckers
Oh Kristy.
ReplyDeleteI'm just grieving for you. For Haley. It just feels like the whole world should stop. I wish so badly that Haley could have experienced crashing waves and holidays and Easter dresses. I wish that SO badly. Sometimes, the thought of you not having Haley in your arms is just completely overwhelming for me. And in those moments I just sit there and cry and pray and cry and pray some more. I know that many others are doing the same. Derek and I are so devastated by your loss. But we are also so amazed at the impact Haley's life had on people. She was incredible. And so are you.
I know I'm in Texas right now - but if you need ANYTHING - please let me know. We want to spend more time with you guys. Until then - we are PRAYING and constantly thinking of you, Chad, and that sweet little Haley- Bug.
Love you,
Kate
Kristy,
ReplyDeleteEverytime I read your blog I cry for your loss and for the pain you and Chad are feeling. I am going to walk in a March of Dimes walk-a-thon next month and I will think of Haley with each step. The people from the prayer groups also send their prayers your way. No parent should have to feel this kind of pain.
Such a beautiful girl and family. I look forward to your postings and please know that our hearts, prayers, and love are with all of you.
Love,
Dianne and Family
Kristy,
ReplyDeleteI think you are one of the most amazing and positive people I have ever met in my life. I think about you and Haley-bug every single day and wish you had her back. This is so unfair! There are no other words.
Love,
Beth, Brady and Carly