Oh, Kidney stone

I look at these pictures and they make me sad. They make me sad because I no longer feel like I'm the same person you see in these pictures. The person you see there is happy, and more importantly she is hopeful. Hopeful that there are good and happy things to come in life. Hopeful that even if life might be stressful right now (vet school, wedding planning, complicated pregnancy, sick baby, etc) that all the stress will pay off and create happiness in the long run. Deep down, that girl is happy. Even with a sick Haley-roo, she was hopeful. Deep down in her heart of souls, that girl hoped and believed that her baby would be okay. I am not that girl anymore. The moment nurse Stacy gave me a look I hope to never see again, a look of such heart-wrenching pity it makes me cry even to remember it, and at that moment I knew there was no reason to hope anymore. I am not hopeful anymore. I am not happy. I am angry. I am very, very angry, and I am very, very, very sad. And now, on top of everything else terrible in life that has come our way, and this seems like a funny straw to have broken the camel's back, but it did all the same: we went on vacation to the outer banks this past week, a vacation I felt I desperately needed. I was feeling frustrated at work and like I just needed a mental break. But on our way down to Duck, we were staying the night in Newport News when I started having a terrible pain in my right sign. This pain got worse and worse, till honestly giving birth was a lesser pain than this. A few hours in the emergency room later and wah-lah: a kidney stone. So I was sent on my way with a lot of vicodin and a strainer to look for a stone. I spent my week of vacation sleeping 21 hours a day. It wasn't until the Friday before we left that I felt well enough that I got to go into the ocean that once. Saturday it stormed and Sunday we left for Ohio.

I am irrationally furious that on top of everything else in our life that sucks, my vacation was also ruined. I really, really needed that. As whiny as it sounds, it's just not fair. That vacation was going to be hard enough as it was, because the whole thing was really planned for Haley-Bug, it would've been a very baby friendly vacation and I think she would've loved the beach. So as sad as it was to pack to go there without her, and as sad as it was to be there without her, and as horrible as it is to live without her - couldn't I have just had this one week go okay otherwise so I could try to regenerate my soul? No.

In the Twilight book series, Bella talks about wrapping her arms around her chest tightly to try to keep her chest together when she feels like there's a giant aching hole in it. For me it more feels like someone is standing behind me and has wrapped their arms around me and dug their fingers into either side of my sternum and trying to literally rip my rib cage apart. I feel like if I don't do something different of make some change immediately that in one minute I will explode. That my chest will be wrenched open and I will die. But then a minute passes, and here I still am. Feeling the same way. I know it's not exactly as the author described the way Bella was feeling, but I know what she meant. And it's terrible. I need a change. I need something good to happen again. Or at least I need a change of scenery. I'm off to Wooster tomorrow for some quality time with my Grandma, I'm hoping I'll come home feeling a little more together.