"What is this silly shirt doing, puffed up in front of my face? Is it good to chew on? No. Does it get in the way when I try to put toys in my mouth? Definitely! Mommy!! New shirt please!"
Oh this picture breaks my heart. Of course I love all of the ones of her smiling, all the pictures that anyone would think were cute, but it's this type of picture - where I can hear her talking, see her big personality, remember how funny she was, remember all the fun things she was learning and just starting to be able to do - these are the ones that break my heart. I just want to smooch her neck that smelled so good, chew on her chubby fingers, tickle her feet, breathe in the good smell of the top of her head, blow raspberries on her belly, tell her 'good morning', change her stinky diapers, play peek-a-boo in the mirror together, and kiss her till I pass out from exhaustion. How can a baby with such a bad heart be so perfect? Why her? Why us? Why not something more fixable? She had so many things going for her (according to the cardiologists), why does it work for the little boy who was 3 months premature and had HLHS and everything else against him, but not for my happy, thriving, full term HLHS Haley-Bug?
I know these are questions I will never have answers to. And I know they don't help, and even if I had the answers I don't think they would make me feel any better. But I can't drive them from my mind, I cannot help but think them 1,000 times a day.
When I started re-reading the Twilight series yesterday (junk food reading is a very good distraction for me when I'm depressed) I found a line that really struck home:
"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." -Stephanie Meyer
Haley-bug was beyond our expectations. If we'd lived 25 years ago we wouldn't have had her for more than 3 or 4 days. Dr. Galantowicz gave us 5.5 precious months, they offered us a chance for a beautiful baby girl where otherwise there would have been none. And we took it. No, we didn't hope for 5.5 months, we hoped for 30 years (at least). If originally they had offered us a baby for 5.5 months I would've thought that sounded horrible, and while it is horrible - so horrible to have lost her - I am so eternally grateful for every second that we did have with her. So eternally grateful that her 5.5 months were happy, filled with love, laughter, and more love. She taught me more in her short life than in the last 25 years combined. And this is what gets me through. This is what gets me through the horribleness of this all, the fact that I am grateful for the time we did have when really we shouldn't have had any, and that while I grieve for the end of our beautiful dream it is better than grieving for never getting to dream at all.
"We can't feel saddened over the loss of those we love, without first remembering the joy of loving them. The real sadness would have been never having had them in our lives at all. Remembering is a journey the heart takes, back into a time that was, and our thoughts are all that we need to visit. We who have truly loved, are blessed." -Flavia
H! I miss Haley to. I'm so glad I got to play with her and hold her. It will not be the same when we come down with Haley not being there. Haley may only have had a hafe a heart but she sure is in a lot of our heart forever. You and Chad take care and I will keep you in prayers!
ReplyDeleteLove
Deni
HER JOURNEY'S JUST BEGUN
ReplyDeleteDon't think of her as gone away
her journey's just begun,
life holds so many facets-
this earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days or years.
Think how she must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost-
and she was loved SO much!
~E. Brenneman~
What a sweet picture! Haley's personality is so precious in all her pictures!
Praying for you daily!
The Beckers
I wish so much you could have all of those things back. That picture breaks my heart as well. Now, I understand Sophia's frustration. I just want to pick her up.
ReplyDeleteI watched The Lovely Bones last night and even though it is completely a different story I still thought of Haley. There was a line that was something like "We weren't the unlucky people that bad things happen to for no reason..at least not that day"
I don't take anything for granted anymore. Anybody could be those people. The ones that bad things happen to for no reason.
I hope one day all of your (our) questions will receive answers.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to write with my eyes filled with tears.
ReplyDeleteI miss Haley so much.
Not an hour goes by where I'm not thinking of you and your family. I wish you could have all those wonderful things you long for back, oh how I wish you could.
ReplyDeleteI rarely ever listen to the radio in the car, but today on my way to clinicals I turned it on and there was a song on by Carrie Underwood, Temporary Home, it made me think of Haley.
I never posted before, because I could never find the words to express the pain I feel for you and your family. I finally came to the conclusion that I'm not going to find the right words, I will never be able to express that pain in words.
I love the pictures you took of Haley, the character that filled each and every picture.
How I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you, although I know there's nothing anybody can do.
Your strength and words continue to amaze me.
You and your family and precious Haley will continue to be in my thoughts and always will be.
The Ship
ReplyDeleteI am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here, she comes!"
Anonymous
Oh that picture! That sweet, sweet picture of Haley-Bug. Each picture of her - the smiley ones, the funny ones, the sleepy ones, the cuddly ones....each capture her special and warm and loving spirit. Thank you so much for sharing them here for us to see.
ReplyDeleteReading your precious and heartfelt words just makes me want to hug you.
Like I said...I'm praying for you - and I will not stop.
Love you, friend.
HUGS,
Kate :)