...Happy Father's day!! (A few days early.) I love you bunches and bunches!" ~Haley-Bug
Look how cute, smiley, and pink my pretty baby girl is. I think people are right when they say the pain of losing a child never diminishes or gets any better, that you just learn to live with it. Sometimes I swear I miss her more with each passing day as opposed to missing her less (not that I guess I ever really thought I would miss her less). You are the light of my life, Haley-Bug. And the goal of having someone even a fraction as wonderful as you in my life again is the only thing that keeps me going most days. And I guess that brings up the topic of the terrible comments that drove me to make my blog private. Now that I know those anonymous commentors can't read what I'm writing, I feel the desire to at least partially respond. I know I should just be able to ignore what ignorant people say, but their cruel, unthoughtful, and misunderstanding comments stirred up a lot of things I have worried about myself when I think of having another child. So now I feel the need to write them down on here, that way, once again, I don't have to keep track of them in my brain.
1) Clearly I am not trying to replace Haley. Haley is 100% irreplaceable. When she first passed away I initially thought (for about the first 4 days) that I would want to wait at least 6 months or so before considering trying again. I couldn't bear the thought that she might think I was trying to replace her, and I was afraid that if I had another baby it would be in an attempt to replace her and not out of my desire for a new, unique baby - which I think would be cruel and horrible. But after about 4 days I realized that was the biggest load of bullshit I'd ever come up with, that no one could ever be like Haley and I would never want to replace her because that's just not possible. Also, we've always wanted more than one child and eventually we would have had more even if Bug had lived. So it can hardly be construed as replacement when we're doing something we planned to do anyway. Besides which, I firmly believe that Haley-Bug would want us to be happy and have more children, and I do not believe that she would wish us to be childless and miserable forever.
2) Empty Arm Sydrome is possibly the worst thing ever. I can't wait to fill this house up with baby cuddles, sounds, smells, and toys again. I can't wait to meet our next wonderful child, get to know their cute little personality, and see what she or he may have in common with their big sister and in what ways they might be totally different!
3) 18 months ago, Chadmo and I decided we were ready to become parents. If we were ready then I'm not sure why anyone would think we should wish to be childless for some obscure period of time now. I know before I had kids, before I was ready to have kids, I might have thought you would've wanted to give yourself time to grieve or some such nonsense. Now I know I have the rest of my life to grieve, that that's never going to change, and that I was ready to be a parent then and I'm sure as heck still ready now. If you've known me well, you've known that I have wanted children forever. And note the use of children, not child. Plural. Children. After having our incredible Haley-Bug in our lives, we know more than ever that our desire for children was the correct thing for us. That there's nothing more amazing than loving a baby. We can't wait to love a second baby, while we continue to love our first of course.
4) Anyone who thinks you can replace a child with a dog, or who thinks that's what I meant by my last post, is laughable. As a veterinarian I feel I'm particularly exposed to the ridiculous statement that I hear at least once a day "My pets are like my children." Either these people have never had children or should've never had children. I adore my pets, I think they're incredible, but not for one instant do I believe they are on the same page as Haley-Bug or any future children. I love my pets an awful lot. I would be heart broken without them. But you know what? I've already had 5 dogs and some ridiculous number of cats in my past. I had Mary, my cat from when I was 4 till I was 17, until the day after I graduated from high school. When she died I cried for days and days and days. I thought I would never get over her. And now, though part of me is ashamed to say it, there are actual whole days that go by that I never think of Mary. I love her. I miss her. But there is not one second of the day that goes by when I don't think of Haley, and I can guarantee you there will never be an hour for the rest of my life that goes by that I won't think of her. And more importantly, I don't want there to ever BE an hour that goes by in which I wouldn't think of her. No, I am an avid pet lover, a veterinarian, a proud owner of 3 dogs and 2 cats, and I am here to tell you that your pets are not your kids. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, and I know mostly it's a harmless statement that even I have been known to say, but if you really think about it you know it's not true. (At least if you have real kids.) Don't think I'm crazy, when people come in and say that to me I say "Oh I know! I have 3 dogs and 2 cats of my own!" But don't you dare accuse me of trying to replace my child with a dog!
5) The fear of having another child with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome is constantly with me. Before I was ever pregnant with Haley I was the paranoid person who had cystic fibrosis carrier testing done and was plotting out what genetic defects we could be screened for before hand. If I was terrified of the possibility of a problem then, you can imagine what I'm like now. We will never have a normal pregnancy, that's not in the cards for us. Forever we will be "High Risk." Testing will begin on any future pregnancies by 11 weeks at the latest. Possibly at 20 weeks we will be done with extra testing (by testing I mean ultrasounds at the High Risk Center, at least), but probably they'll want to keep a closer eye on us than average after that even if everything's normal to that point. But people like Tobie and Tisha and Diane are my shining examples of hope: people who have had one child with a severe genetic defect and have gone on to have multiple healthy, happy babies afterwards. HLHS is no more hereditary than the defects they faced, and I hope and pray every day that we will be as lucky as they have been and have healthy babies from now on.
6) I don't believe for one minute that Haley-Bug suffered her whole life. Perhaps she had ~5 days where she felt worse than the average baby might have to experience, but as a whole I think she led a wonderful, happy, pain-free, and fear-free life. And that's all I have to say about that.
Well, that's all for tonight. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I may think of more to add later. On a side note: no 4th dog - Cupcake is still looking for someone to love her! Chad and I just decided that 3 dogs are really more than enough, and mostly I just wanted to have a puppy to house train and play with to distract me from the pressures of trying to get pregnant and trying to get our Columbus house to sell. But neither of us wanted a permanent 4th addition, and really it would probably just be more stress rather than relaxation. I have 3 puppies and 2 kitties here, ready to love me at the drop of a hat, and we'll all just have to make more of a point to take long walks together and try to destress. They were awfully neglected when Bug was around, and hopefully they'll be neglected again soon ;), so I guess we better spoil them rotten now!
P.S. Thank so much to everyone for all the supportive comments, emails, and talks after last week's 'drama'. It really meant a lot to me, and I needed it. We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
I still feel angry when I think about those comments.
ReplyDeleteI saw this article on CNN a couple weeks ago:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/24/pregnancy.grief.loss/index.html
"Mental health experts say it's not a matter of time, but the parents' ability to cope with the loss and prepare to raise another child. The sting of death never fades, but having another child could also bring healing"
Every situation is different. People are different, circumstances are different. You are an educated, insightful, loving person who has every right to decide your own life choices.
My grandmother had six babies. One was stillborn. His name was Larry. When she talked about him she had this certain look in her eyes that I have never been able to forget. She talked about how she didn't get to see him or hold him. She also talked about how my grandfather had to dig his grave by hand. Occasionally, I would catch her staring off into the distance with that look on her face. I knew she was thinking of him. I wish, she had been able to adequately grieve. I don't think she ever got to tell anyone how she felt about him or his death. Her generation thought it was taboo to talk about babies dying. Sadly, grieving was something she did alone.
I'm glad that you have a space (now a much safer place) to grieve. Sometimes, I think it helps to know people are listening.
PS. Undeniably Haley bug was the happiest baby around! Look at that picture! It would be impossible to smile any bigger with those rosy chubby smell good cheeks!
I was also curious if you were a carrier for CF? I am a carrier but Kevin is not (thankfully!)
ReplyDeleteHey Carrie~ Thanks for all the nice words and moral support, as always! :) No, I am not a cystic fibrosis carrier fortunately. When everything was going on in the beginning with Haley and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her yet because her heart was still too small to look at, they tested Chad for CF too just to remove any remote chance that it could be CF. He also tested negative and is not a carrier either! (And we're STILL arguing with the insurance company about that bill - what a headache!)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, we went through the same thing! Kevin's insurance company said that the test wasn't "medically necessary" and so they wouldn't pay for it. It was almost $1000. Our dr wrote a letter to the insurance company. She basically said that because I was a carrier if Kevin had also been a carrier there is a 1 in 4 chance the baby would have CF. We lived in Mammoth Lakes at the time which only has a level 1 nursery. They take zero chances with high risk pregnancies. She said that a baby born with CF in Mammoth wouldn't survive. After the letter the insurance company paid for the test! We couldn't believe it! We thought it was a long shot but it worked. Hopefully, you get yours sorted out soon.
ReplyDeleteI can't read a blog without breaking into tears. I feel for you and your family and pray that God grants you the blessing of being with child soon. Some people are just ignorant and don't know what you are going through. There have been so many times that I have wanted to comment, but didn't want to upset you so I just don't say anything.(Good comments...sorry) I look at all of the beautiful pictures and that smiling happy baby and it just breaks my heart that such great people would have to go through such a thing. My mom always says that "things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for everyone and everything", so I am hoping and praying that he helps you with your future plans. You are wonderful loving parents and I think about you all the time. Keep your head up and stay positive.
ReplyDeleteKristy, you have so much love to give so why not put the love back into your heart and have all the babies you can have:) you and your husband deserve nothing but the best. dont let ANYONE and their rude comments prevent you from doing anything that you wanna do, good luck to the both of you and lets pray for 2 pink lines, good luck girl :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Kristy! I wouldn't be able to ignore comments like that either. Clearly those people do not know you and have not been reading your blog very closely at all. You and Chad and the rest of your family are just bursting at the seams with love. It is totally SELFLESS, not selfish, for you to want to share that love with another little boy or girl. Haley would not want you to bottle up all that love just because she can't be here anymore. I think your courage is amazing. We are keeping you in our prayers!
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