An Emotional Rollercoaster

February 18th, 2010: Haley-Bug being a picture perfect baby at Aunt Katy & Uncle Greg's the night before surgery. She was SO good all day that day, just 100% fun, easy going, sweet, and giggly. Even at the doctor's for pre-admission testing - she was perfect. Such a happy, cute, wonderful sweetie-pie. We got lots of quality neck smooching and associated giggling in that night, though it will never be enough. I'm so glad it was a good day.

Before I wander off into my own thoughts and emotions, I just want to ask everyone to say a special prayer for the Jefferies and Keirns families today because today (April 7th) is the 23rd birthday of the daughter they lost, Kelly. They have all been very supportive throughout our adventures with Haley-bug, and today when they went to the cemetery to release balloons for Kelly's birthday (they release as many balloons for as old as she would be: 23 years, 23 balloons), they also released one for Haley when they were sending all of Kelly's balloons off to Heaven. I think it is so incredibly thoughtful of them to think of us on their toughest of days. My own personal loss makes me ache so much more for theirs, and though I feel like I of all people should have something insightful or encouraging to say - I can think of nothing. Except maybe, as Brian Andreas says, 'The loss is not yours alone'. So I say it to you, Michelle, Doug, Kristy, Travis, and Bella - the loss is not yours alone, we all share it with you and we hope that maybe that can make your loss even a little bit easier. Our prayers are with you.

Now onto the unpleasant task of describing myself this week. My facebook status has been "please excuse me while I hate everyone for a little while" and I think that sort of sums it up. It's been a rough year, a rough couple of months, a rough week, a rough few days - and right now I feel mostly like I just hate everyone. When I made that my status on facebook, everyone kept messaging me and saying "I hope tomorrow is a better day" or "What's wrong, do you want to talk?" And illogically it surprised me. I guess if I say I hate everyone, I should expect people to be worried and to think that something in particular that day might have gone wrong, but I didn't see that that would be a logical assumption and it caught me off guard. Nothing worse, nothing any more wrong than every day has been since February 19th, nothing unusual happened. There's no way the next day could've been better, because that day wasn't bad. I just hated everyone, and pretty much I still do. Don't get me wrong, I still like to hang out with people - I desperately need the distraction - but when I'm by myself, I hate everyone and everything. I hate how somehow I managed to make it through almost the first month with no one coming into work and asking how 'the baby' was, or some such similar inquiry. And now almost every day for the last 2 weeks I've had at least one person who didn't know and that I've had to explain it to. I hate everyone else and their healthy babies. I hate waking up without Haley, and I hate going to sleep without Haley, and I hate the way people chew, and they way they make noises when they drink, and the way they laugh, and smile, and talk like the world is normal or nice or fun. I just hate everyone. So please do excuse me if I don't answer when you call, or return your kind emails or texts, or if I seem a bit aloof. I don't really hate anyone, and I'm sure it's a phase that's probably reasonably normal, but I just hope it passes quickly. Sometimes I can hardly swallow because there is so much emotion filling up my throat. And then the next thing I know I realize I haven't been upset for a few hours because I was having fun with friends or distracted by listening to someone else's problems, and then I feel guilty that I might not have thought of my sweet Haley for so long! But that's not true, there is a constant streaming of thoughts of Haley running through my subconscious at all times, and every time I'm talking to anyone about anything I think about "Haley this.." or "Haley that.." or "Before Haley..." or "After Haley..." or "While Haley..." or "When Haley..."

So, as it says on facebook, please excuse me while I hate everyone for a little while. I do hope it's just for a little while.