Beautiful Wednesday

"Hmph, don't try to distract me with pretty pink teething rings, I see that camera playing paparazzi again!"

The weather seems to have been being particularly beautiful on every Wednesday since Haley-bug passed away, as if she's saying 'I'm still here, walking with you and loving you.' We actually didn't walk today, but we did walk yesterday and Monday. And in all our many trips we've made back to her cemetery, we have never seen a red cardinal there again - much less one singing its' heart out as one did during her graveside service. Thank you Grandma Mitchell.

Yesterday when we went we picked some of the beautiful daffodils that have been blooming all around here to take to her. We have her grave covered with flowers, and it's fun because the deer obviously enjoy the snack we're providing them with. They don't like daffodils though, or carnations, so we're starting to figure out what to put on there if we want something to last. But really I like to think of them, coming and munching on her bouquets and walking around in that cemetery at dusk.

Today as I was lounging on the couch and reading, I could actually hear the music from Haley's play gym playing in my head and I could envision her lying there, kicking away, talking to her butterflies, and smiling when I came to peek at her over the top of bar. I can still feel the weight of her in my arms, smell the wonderful baby smell from the top of her head, and hear her fussing 'pick me up' noise. I don't think I will every truly believe that she is gone, that I will never get to hold or kiss her again. I think my brain must have decided that if I want to stay sane that it should never allow this thought to root itself in my brain. I can't say I blame it or disagree.

Life is surreal lately. Time ticks by, the days seem normal enough, we go to work, fix dinner, eat, watch tv, do laundry, go for walks, feed the dogs, brush our teeth (though I really never sleep anymore, if you know me, you know how un-Kristy like that is), we shower, we grocery shop, we read books, we go to the bank, we act normal. But nothing is normal. Everything sort of feels like it's on hold but you don't know what you're waiting for? Waiting for Haley to magically appear? To come back from the hospital? To wake up and realize it was all a horrible nightmare? I think everyone of us has had dreams where she miraculously recovers, gets better, and comes home - only to wake up and be devastated all over again. If only dreams really did come true.