Baby Therapy

February 19th, 2010 at ~6 am: Daddy holding Haley before she went in for surgery. Look how big she was! She was pretty zonked out with her binky, thinking "What are these crazy people doing up in the middle of the night?!?" I'm so glad she got to sleep through everything. She looked awfully cute in her little scrubs, as she did in everything.

Tonight I had some much needed Baby Therapy. After taking the dogs for a walk up the hill this evening I decided to run some little presents I'd gotten for Lauren Hildy out to John & Angie's house and hope that I could sneak in some baby kisses. Boy was I in luck! She had just had her bottle and a bath and was quite the happy little bright-eyed and bushy-tailed monster! I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I've seen her, and she is so pretty, she even reminds me a bit of my Haley-bug. I got to hold her for almost 2 hours, and for the last half hour she was asleep and making all those adorable baby-sleeping-faces: smiling, frump faces, etc. I got to give her lots of smooches on the top of her head and on her chubby cheeks, and I got to rock her to sleep - something I miss doing SO much. She was even like Haley in the fact that when she got a little sleepy she wanted her binky, but then when she fell asleep she would spit it out and not want it anymore - so much better than when they insist on having it to be able to sleep! :) She is a sweet, beautiful little girl and John and Angie definitely seem like proud, happy parents (as they should be!)

I've been in need of baby therapy because we moved back into our house this Monday for the first time since Haley passed away (we've been staying with my parents, thank you so much for putting up with us for so long Mom and Dad!!) Clearly it's been a long over due move, and Chad is really happy to be home - but unfortunately I can't say the same for myself. I know I should like to be here, that I should be able to think of all the good, happy memories I have here with Haley-Cricket. To be honest it is good for Chad and I to be on our own again, but it's just not good to be here. All I can think of is how wrong it feels to be here without her. When I sit at the dining room table and eat my dinner that tastes like sawdust, all I can think about is the fact that her high chair should be there next to me. Our middle living room always had this awkward space that we didn't know what to do with until Haley came along and it was the perfect place for her pack n' play, and now there's that huge, gaping hole where she should be - filling up the living room with its awkwardness again but now it's 10 times worse. I can't bear to go upstairs where the carpet should be covered in toys, blankies, and her play-gym. And clearly her nursery is off limits, everything is just stuffed in there now, you can't even walk through there it's so full of swings, bouncy chairs, toys, etc - reminding you that once there was a baby who needed all these things, that they used to be spread all over our house. The guest bedroom next to the nursery is terrible too because it smells like all the good smelling baby stuff in the room next to it - wipes, lotions, dreft. Speaking of dreft, the laundry room is full of dreft and baby fabric softener sheets, not to mention that one of her blankies is still on top of the dryer and I can't stand to put it away. In the bathroom her whale bathtub that she loved so much looks at me every time I'm in there, looking useless and sad but if I put it away there will just be a hole in the bathroom where it belongs like there's a hole in the living room where the pack n' play should be. And when I go to sleep at night, it should be with her night light on in the living room and the bedroom door cracked - listening for contented sleeping baby peeps and squeaks and always keeping one ear open for a little baby roo who might pickle in the middle of the night to tell us she's hungry for some bottle. The silence that fills this house now is louder than any cries that it ever contained before. In fact it's so loud that I can't sleep at night and have to read till I pass out so the deafening quiet doesn't keep me awake. I love this house but I hate this house. It's time to move out. Now if only our Columbus house would sell so we could.