Posting on a Thursday again, shame on me

Grandpoppy tickling Haley-Bug and Haley-Bug really checking out Grandpoppy! I'm pretty sure she was talking to him in this picture. :)

Sorry for the late post again, at this point I thought I should just plan on blogging on Thursdays, but then the next thing you know I won't post till Friday. So it's probably best just to stick to thinking I'll do it Wednesdays and then be guilted into doing by Thursday at the latest! Wednesdays are my afternoons off, so you'd think I'd have more time those days but somehow I never seem to. Or, to be honest, sometimes I don't feel up to going through pictures. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all the pictures and don't know what I'd do without them, I only wish I had a million more of them. And somedays it's just plain hard to scroll through all those happy memories and moments. Other days it's all I want to do and I can spend hours looking at pictures and watching videos of my sweet little Bug. I have videos with her hiccupping, fussing, talking, and lots that are just of her being cute - and while they're heartbreaking to watch, I sincerely don't know how I'd survive without them. Somedays I just have to hear her voice again. Even though I can still recall it exactly in my mind, I just need to hear it out loud again. Or like when Mom came over the other day and she just had to hear the little song Haley's play gym played. We spent so many hours listening to that little tune, it's hard to believe I've only heard it a couple of times in the last 4 months.

I will confess now that I didn't write much last week because I was feeling pretty devastated. After being 4.5 days late, my period showed up that night and crushed our hopes of being pregnant for another month. Day 1 of a new month is just so frustrating and sad; it's the loss of hope for a few more weeks at least, disappointment in myself, feeling like time is wasting away - like we're standing still even though the world seems to move around us, and incredible impatience. Not to mention the intense sadness that there is not a Bebe #2 for us to start looking forward to yet. All the horror stories of people who never manage to get pregnant again ever, or who spend years and years trying before they succeed, rush through my mind each new month and no matter how I try to keep them out they worm their way back in.

So here we are, in another new month, with the hope slowly creeping back in though I always try hard not to get TOO hopeful - it just makes the disappointment all that more difficult. But I can't help it, the hope worms its way in too and just like I can't keep the scary things out I can't keep the overly optimistic things out either. So here's hoping for another month - hoping that this month is more successful, that this month will be a month free of disappointment, that next April will be the month we deliver a healthy, happy, full term baby, and Haley-Bug becomes a big sister. Here's hoping.