Uncharted Waters

I haven't taken any new pictures since Friday. Somehow this makes me feel like an incredibly negligent parent. Part of me is mildly afraid that Children's Services will come and remove Dyl from our home for the horrible negligence that is our lack of picture taking...

But on to a more serious note. I prayed this day would come, I pray this day continues on forever, but the realization that Dylan is now older than Haley ever was, ever will be, has suddenly hit me. And it's hit me hard. Before Dylan was 5.5 months old, I could say "When Haley was this age..." I could talk about her and compare Dyl to her in the way that any parent compares a second child to a first. Now every day, every new achievement, every milestone reached, is also trailed faintly by the thought that Haley never did this. That Haley will never get to do this. And my throat aches from how much I want Haley to still be here. I want Dylan to have a big sister to play peekaboo with her, I want her to have a big sister to be compared to in that obnoxiously unavoidable way. For Dylan's sake, I wish she didn't have to grow up with the shadow of an older sister she never even got to meet, lurking over her.

Don't get me wrong, I am oh-so-incredibly grateful that Dylan is 6 months & 1 week old. I pray that Dylan lives to be at least 90 years old and that she is healthy, happy, and safe for her whole life. The fact that she is older than Haley makes me more ecstatic than anything else in the world, while simultaneously making the Haley-hole in my heart ache around the edges. And I suppose big moments in life will always hold this for me now, and I'm as okay with that as I think I can be. But I just needed to talk about it, so here it is. I love my 2 girls so much, thank you God, for giving us Haley and Dylan. But please, please, please let us keep Dylan for a whole lot longer.