2 Months

"Hey! Where's my bottle of champagne Mimi???"
(Haley-Bug and Mimi in their jammies just before midnight on New Year's Eve 2009, getting ready to toast with Aunt Kelly, Grandma, and Grandpoppy!)I miss the cute wiggly toes that filled out those pink bunny 'slippers' so much, especially when a certain silly baby would get all excited and kick, kick, kick like she was going to fly away!

Last Thursday, Chadmo went with me to a CE seminar at the Columbus Zoo. It was lots of fun because for about an hour before the dinner/seminar, the Asia Quest region was opened for the people attending the event even though the rest of the zoo was shut down for the night. It was a beautiful evening, the weather couldn't have been better, and it was sooo cool to feel like you were at your own private zoo! Maybe a few other attendees would happen along, but mostly you were at each exhibit by yourself.

Chadmo and I were walking from the Tiger exhibit to the Lion exhibit when I started feeling very sad and telling him how excited I'd been to bring Haley to the zoo. We were talking about how much fun it would have been to bring her in her baby bjorn to look at the giant aquarium, the manatees, and she might have even been getting old enough by this spring to enjoy the capuchins and more active monkeys too. There were so many things I was so excited to show her and experience with her, and it's so hard to do those things without her now. We were both feeling pretty sad in general when, just as we walked up to admire the 2 lionesses and 3 cubs, a female cardinal flew over and landed about 2 feet away from us on the walkway. It was the first and last cardinal we saw that day, and it was truly like Haley was saying "I AM here with you Mommy and Daddy, don't be sad." And honestly, it did make us feel better. Some things just can't be coincidences. Thank you, Aunt Patty, for making us aware of the cardinals in our life.

What I wouldn't give for one more kiss...

"Hmm, how do I get these green leaves off of here?"

I love you with all of my heart, my little rosy cheeked, peach fuzz haired, button nosed, smoochable faced, wonderful smelling, smart and focused, giggly, wiggly, lovely-pie Haley-bug.

Cell phone treasures

So I know it's not the best quality video when viewed on here, but that's because I took it with my cell phone. It's from February 18th, and I discovered it on my phone sometime in early March and I just love it so much, as I love all videos and pictures of my Haley-bug. It was so great to discover them on my phone, and I watch them constantly now. There are a couple others from that day too, so I'll post them on here eventually. I know it gets really blurry, but watch for the cutie-pie smile a few seconds in! :)

We love you bunches and bunches Haley-Bug. Wish you were here to celebrate spring with us.

An Emotional Rollercoaster

February 18th, 2010: Haley-Bug being a picture perfect baby at Aunt Katy & Uncle Greg's the night before surgery. She was SO good all day that day, just 100% fun, easy going, sweet, and giggly. Even at the doctor's for pre-admission testing - she was perfect. Such a happy, cute, wonderful sweetie-pie. We got lots of quality neck smooching and associated giggling in that night, though it will never be enough. I'm so glad it was a good day.

Before I wander off into my own thoughts and emotions, I just want to ask everyone to say a special prayer for the Jefferies and Keirns families today because today (April 7th) is the 23rd birthday of the daughter they lost, Kelly. They have all been very supportive throughout our adventures with Haley-bug, and today when they went to the cemetery to release balloons for Kelly's birthday (they release as many balloons for as old as she would be: 23 years, 23 balloons), they also released one for Haley when they were sending all of Kelly's balloons off to Heaven. I think it is so incredibly thoughtful of them to think of us on their toughest of days. My own personal loss makes me ache so much more for theirs, and though I feel like I of all people should have something insightful or encouraging to say - I can think of nothing. Except maybe, as Brian Andreas says, 'The loss is not yours alone'. So I say it to you, Michelle, Doug, Kristy, Travis, and Bella - the loss is not yours alone, we all share it with you and we hope that maybe that can make your loss even a little bit easier. Our prayers are with you.

Now onto the unpleasant task of describing myself this week. My facebook status has been "please excuse me while I hate everyone for a little while" and I think that sort of sums it up. It's been a rough year, a rough couple of months, a rough week, a rough few days - and right now I feel mostly like I just hate everyone. When I made that my status on facebook, everyone kept messaging me and saying "I hope tomorrow is a better day" or "What's wrong, do you want to talk?" And illogically it surprised me. I guess if I say I hate everyone, I should expect people to be worried and to think that something in particular that day might have gone wrong, but I didn't see that that would be a logical assumption and it caught me off guard. Nothing worse, nothing any more wrong than every day has been since February 19th, nothing unusual happened. There's no way the next day could've been better, because that day wasn't bad. I just hated everyone, and pretty much I still do. Don't get me wrong, I still like to hang out with people - I desperately need the distraction - but when I'm by myself, I hate everyone and everything. I hate how somehow I managed to make it through almost the first month with no one coming into work and asking how 'the baby' was, or some such similar inquiry. And now almost every day for the last 2 weeks I've had at least one person who didn't know and that I've had to explain it to. I hate everyone else and their healthy babies. I hate waking up without Haley, and I hate going to sleep without Haley, and I hate the way people chew, and they way they make noises when they drink, and the way they laugh, and smile, and talk like the world is normal or nice or fun. I just hate everyone. So please do excuse me if I don't answer when you call, or return your kind emails or texts, or if I seem a bit aloof. I don't really hate anyone, and I'm sure it's a phase that's probably reasonably normal, but I just hope it passes quickly. Sometimes I can hardly swallow because there is so much emotion filling up my throat. And then the next thing I know I realize I haven't been upset for a few hours because I was having fun with friends or distracted by listening to someone else's problems, and then I feel guilty that I might not have thought of my sweet Haley for so long! But that's not true, there is a constant streaming of thoughts of Haley running through my subconscious at all times, and every time I'm talking to anyone about anything I think about "Haley this.." or "Haley that.." or "Before Haley..." or "After Haley..." or "While Haley..." or "When Haley..."

So, as it says on facebook, please excuse me while I hate everyone for a little while. I do hope it's just for a little while.

Wednesday Weekly

"Hmm, which do I love more, cheeker kisses or necky kisses? That's a tough question Mommy! I'll have to chew on my tasty finger and think about it for a minute... :)"

Her sleeper pretty much sums it up - she is beyond adorable! That sleeper came with a little bib that said "Off to Grandma's", and underneath her sleeper she was wearing a long sleeved onesie that said "Grandpa's Girl", so she's very pro Grandma & Grandpa in this picture. :) As she should be!

So my blog is getting to be more of a Wednesday weekly than a Daily Haley (with the occasional mid week bonus post), but you'll have to forgive me the false advertising because I don't think I'll be changing the name in spite of the fib! If I was going to rename it more aptly it would be the Million-times-Daily Haley - because that's how often I think of her, and I only wish that I had a million new pictures of her from each day to post for all of you.

Today was a long day, I don't think I've been left to my own devices/home alone for more than an hour at most in the last month, and never at all in the last 6.5 months (oh, how I wish I never had a minute alone again, if that would mean my Bug was here!) Today I was here by myself for about 11 hours, though I did trick Jason into taking me to dinner at the Mexican restaurant in town and that took up an hour of my lonely 11. (Thanks Jason. :) Glad the Mexicans are sexist, haha.) It went alright though, and I did realize that the reason I've been having constant headaches is because I'm subconsciously clenching my jaw all the time. Even though I now realize what I'm doing, I still catch myself doing it all the time when I'm not actively preventing myself from clenching it - ouch! I'm going to have to figure out some way to stop that soon. Chadmo's obviously having similar issues because he's been grinding his teeth in his sleep about a thousand times more than he used to, I have to keep poking him at night and making him stop.

Ah, stress. I think we could all use a nice big dose of Valium. Or a Haley hug.

1 month

We miss you more than anything in the whole entire world Haley-bug. We love you more than anything in the whole entire world too, and we continue to love you more and more each day.

I carry you with me

into the world,

into the smell of the rain

& the words that dance

between people

& for me,

it will always

be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive

together

- (Living Memory) by Brian Andreas, storypeople.com

Beautiful Wednesday

"Hmph, don't try to distract me with pretty pink teething rings, I see that camera playing paparazzi again!"

The weather seems to have been being particularly beautiful on every Wednesday since Haley-bug passed away, as if she's saying 'I'm still here, walking with you and loving you.' We actually didn't walk today, but we did walk yesterday and Monday. And in all our many trips we've made back to her cemetery, we have never seen a red cardinal there again - much less one singing its' heart out as one did during her graveside service. Thank you Grandma Mitchell.

Yesterday when we went we picked some of the beautiful daffodils that have been blooming all around here to take to her. We have her grave covered with flowers, and it's fun because the deer obviously enjoy the snack we're providing them with. They don't like daffodils though, or carnations, so we're starting to figure out what to put on there if we want something to last. But really I like to think of them, coming and munching on her bouquets and walking around in that cemetery at dusk.

Today as I was lounging on the couch and reading, I could actually hear the music from Haley's play gym playing in my head and I could envision her lying there, kicking away, talking to her butterflies, and smiling when I came to peek at her over the top of bar. I can still feel the weight of her in my arms, smell the wonderful baby smell from the top of her head, and hear her fussing 'pick me up' noise. I don't think I will every truly believe that she is gone, that I will never get to hold or kiss her again. I think my brain must have decided that if I want to stay sane that it should never allow this thought to root itself in my brain. I can't say I blame it or disagree.

Life is surreal lately. Time ticks by, the days seem normal enough, we go to work, fix dinner, eat, watch tv, do laundry, go for walks, feed the dogs, brush our teeth (though I really never sleep anymore, if you know me, you know how un-Kristy like that is), we shower, we grocery shop, we read books, we go to the bank, we act normal. But nothing is normal. Everything sort of feels like it's on hold but you don't know what you're waiting for? Waiting for Haley to magically appear? To come back from the hospital? To wake up and realize it was all a horrible nightmare? I think everyone of us has had dreams where she miraculously recovers, gets better, and comes home - only to wake up and be devastated all over again. If only dreams really did come true.