Sweltering Summer Days

"Mommy tells me it's very hot outside in Logan right now, and that she thinks I would've liked being a little naked baby wearing nothing but a diaper and playing in the grass! Or better yet, lounging in one of those little baby swimming pools in my pink polka dotted swimsuit and splashing about! (I do look awfully adorable in polka dots if I do say so myself...)"

Chadmo and I just got home from a tasty dinner at Grandma Stevelt's with Mom, Poppy, Gerry, and Rosemarie. It was good to catch up with Gerry and Rosemarie who travel through Ohio on their trip from North Carolina to Michigan once or twice a year - they're old friends of my grandparents and they seem almost like a Great-Aunt & -Uncle to us, we love seeing them! If only Haley-Bug was here so they could meet her, I know her sweet smile would've won them over like it did everyone else.

Sorry for the short post this week, I'm feeling a bit blah and not up to writing much. Hope everyone has a good weekend! We have lots of friends and family coming to town this weekend, so hopefully that will cheer me up!

"Dear Daddy and Grandpoppy...

...Happy Father's day!! (A few days early.) I love you bunches and bunches!" ~Haley-Bug

Look how cute, smiley, and pink my pretty baby girl is. I think people are right when they say the pain of losing a child never diminishes or gets any better, that you just learn to live with it. Sometimes I swear I miss her more with each passing day as opposed to missing her less (not that I guess I ever really thought I would miss her less). You are the light of my life, Haley-Bug. And the goal of having someone even a fraction as wonderful as you in my life again is the only thing that keeps me going most days.

And I guess that brings up the topic of the terrible comments that drove me to make my blog private. Now that I know those anonymous commentors can't read what I'm writing, I feel the desire to at least partially respond. I know I should just be able to ignore what ignorant people say, but their cruel, unthoughtful, and misunderstanding comments stirred up a lot of things I have worried about myself when I think of having another child. So now I feel the need to write them down on here, that way, once again, I don't have to keep track of them in my brain.

1) Clearly I am not trying to replace Haley. Haley is 100% irreplaceable. When she first passed away I initially thought (for about the first 4 days) that I would want to wait at least 6 months or so before considering trying again. I couldn't bear the thought that she might think I was trying to replace her, and I was afraid that if I had another baby it would be in an attempt to replace her and not out of my desire for a new, unique baby - which I think would be cruel and horrible. But after about 4 days I realized that was the biggest load of bullshit I'd ever come up with, that no one could ever be like Haley and I would never want to replace her because that's just not possible. Also, we've always wanted more than one child and eventually we would have had more even if Bug had lived. So it can hardly be construed as replacement when we're doing something we planned to do anyway. Besides which, I firmly believe that Haley-Bug would want us to be happy and have more children, and I do not believe that she would wish us to be childless and miserable forever.

2) Empty Arm Sydrome is possibly the worst thing ever. I can't wait to fill this house up with baby cuddles, sounds, smells, and toys again. I can't wait to meet our next wonderful child, get to know their cute little personality, and see what she or he may have in common with their big sister and in what ways they might be totally different!

3) 18 months ago, Chadmo and I decided we were ready to become parents. If we were ready then I'm not sure why anyone would think we should wish to be childless for some obscure period of time now. I know before I had kids, before I was ready to have kids, I might have thought you would've wanted to give yourself time to grieve or some such nonsense. Now I know I have the rest of my life to grieve, that that's never going to change, and that I was ready to be a parent then and I'm sure as heck still ready now. If you've known me well, you've known that I have wanted children forever. And note the use of children, not child. Plural. Children. After having our incredible Haley-Bug in our lives, we know more than ever that our desire for children was the correct thing for us. That there's nothing more amazing than loving a baby. We can't wait to love a second baby, while we continue to love our first of course.

4) Anyone who thinks you can replace a child with a dog, or who thinks that's what I meant by my last post, is laughable. As a veterinarian I feel I'm particularly exposed to the ridiculous statement that I hear at least once a day "My pets are like my children." Either these people have never had children or should've never had children. I adore my pets, I think they're incredible, but not for one instant do I believe they are on the same page as Haley-Bug or any future children. I love my pets an awful lot. I would be heart broken without them. But you know what? I've already had 5 dogs and some ridiculous number of cats in my past. I had Mary, my cat from when I was 4 till I was 17, until the day after I graduated from high school. When she died I cried for days and days and days. I thought I would never get over her. And now, though part of me is ashamed to say it, there are actual whole days that go by that I never think of Mary. I love her. I miss her. But there is not one second of the day that goes by when I don't think of Haley, and I can guarantee you there will never be an hour for the rest of my life that goes by that I won't think of her. And more importantly, I don't want there to ever BE an hour that goes by in which I wouldn't think of her. No, I am an avid pet lover, a veterinarian, a proud owner of 3 dogs and 2 cats, and I am here to tell you that your pets are not your kids. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, and I know mostly it's a harmless statement that even I have been known to say, but if you really think about it you know it's not true. (At least if you have real kids.) Don't think I'm crazy, when people come in and say that to me I say "Oh I know! I have 3 dogs and 2 cats of my own!" But don't you dare accuse me of trying to replace my child with a dog!

5) The fear of having another child with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome is constantly with me. Before I was ever pregnant with Haley I was the paranoid person who had cystic fibrosis carrier testing done and was plotting out what genetic defects we could be screened for before hand. If I was terrified of the possibility of a problem then, you can imagine what I'm like now. We will never have a normal pregnancy, that's not in the cards for us. Forever we will be "High Risk." Testing will begin on any future pregnancies by 11 weeks at the latest. Possibly at 20 weeks we will be done with extra testing (by testing I mean ultrasounds at the High Risk Center, at least), but probably they'll want to keep a closer eye on us than average after that even if everything's normal to that point. But people like Tobie and Tisha and Diane are my shining examples of hope: people who have had one child with a severe genetic defect and have gone on to have multiple healthy, happy babies afterwards. HLHS is no more hereditary than the defects they faced, and I hope and pray every day that we will be as lucky as they have been and have healthy babies from now on.

6) I don't believe for one minute that Haley-Bug suffered her whole life. Perhaps she had ~5 days where she felt worse than the average baby might have to experience, but as a whole I think she led a wonderful, happy, pain-free, and fear-free life. And that's all I have to say about that.

Well, that's all for tonight. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I may think of more to add later. On a side note: no 4th dog - Cupcake is still looking for someone to love her! Chad and I just decided that 3 dogs are really more than enough, and mostly I just wanted to have a puppy to house train and play with to distract me from the pressures of trying to get pregnant and trying to get our Columbus house to sell. But neither of us wanted a permanent 4th addition, and really it would probably just be more stress rather than relaxation. I have 3 puppies and 2 kitties here, ready to love me at the drop of a hat, and we'll all just have to make more of a point to take long walks together and try to destress. They were awfully neglected when Bug was around, and hopefully they'll be neglected again soon ;), so I guess we better spoil them rotten now!

P.S. Thank so much to everyone for all the supportive comments, emails, and talks after last week's 'drama'. It really meant a lot to me, and I needed it. We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends.

It's raining cats and dogs

"How many new puppies does Mommy want?? One!!"

"Oops, I don't think I was supposed to say anything! Don't tell her I told you..."
"But in any case, here's a picture of the super cute puppy who is being a bad influence on her and making her want another dog. :) "
(Mommy note: I don't think I really want another dog, but I need a project. I'm trapped in this house and having no luck getting pregnant yet - yes, yes, I know it's only been 4 months but that doesn't make it any easier - and I need a distraction. And this puppy, known as 'Cupcake' at the breeders, would be an awfully cute distraction, wouldn't she??)

Ineffable

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the cutest, happiest baby of them all? Haley-Bug!

I wanted to blog yesterday, and then again this early evening right after work, but I honestly didn't know what to write about. A lot of weeks I start to 'write' my blog days in advance in my head, I think it's a therapeutic way for me to think about problems or worries constructively. For example, I think of how I want to write what I'm feeling, fine tuning it as the week goes, and then once I write it down and send it out into space I kind of get to move on from that worry for a little while. I know it's there, I know I won't forget about it and if I do need reminding I can just come and read the well thought out version of how I am feeling instead of the jumbly unsorted out way I might feel at any moment. It sounds funny, but if I think back that's really pretty much how it goes.

But this week, this week my thoughts are all over the place. I can't 'write' them out in advance because I jump from one worry to another. For the last few weeks the way I've been feeling can only be described as ineffable (how's that for an oxymoron - the only way to describe this feeling is 'indescribable'.) The closest I can come is 'uneasy', or 'anxious', but those aren't right either. 'Indecisive' is close, but that's only part of the way I've been feeling, not all of it. It's like I have this lurking sensation, like someone's following me or like I'm just waiting for something to happen but I don't know what I'm waiting for. One minute I want to fly to Denmark and run away for a year, the next I want to buy a house. Or maybe I just feel like going swimming? No wait, I'm so sad I don't think I'll ever get out of bed again. Let's make lots of plans for this weekend and do all sorts of crazy, fun things! But maybe I'd rather just relax at home? Maybe we should just stay in this house, who wants to move again? God, I hate that stupid house in Columbus, I lay awake at night thinking about it for hours. Oh shoot, don't forget to chart my basal body temperature. Maybe we should get another dog. Maybe we should shave Bianca? I love my job. Man, I need a vacation now. And I don't feel like talking, which if you know me you know that's just not right. In the last couple weeks I have thought on more than one occasion, "Why does everyone keep talking so much?" And I'm pretty sure that's not a thought I've ever had before in my life. Indecision is clearly not my forte either, I'm the girl who's known what she's wanted in life since she was 2, I don't like it when I don't have a plan. But right now I make a plan, and the next day I hate that plan, throw it away, and start over. It's exhausting.

Maybe part of the problem is that we were so close. We were so close to being happy. We were so close to having all our plans work out. And then those plans, my dreams, just dropped right out of the sky like an anvil. Now those dreams are shattered, and like Humptey Dumptey they can never be put back together again. Our lives will never be the same, our plans will never be the same, though we might be happy again someday we will never be as happy as we could've been if our Haley-bug was here. That potential is lost. When you've had plans and dreams for 24 years, it's not easy to let go of them. I always knew I was lucky to know so certainly what I wanted out of life, so many of my friends didn't even have a clue of what they wanted to do career wise until a couple years into college. Now I fully understand what a horrible feeling it is to not know what you want, to not have a plan. It's like being lost. I feel lost. And while I know it's a good thing that our lives will never be the same, that knowing Haley was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life, I can't help but dwell on the fact that everything would be just so much better if she could only still be here in my arms.

Baby Therapy

February 19th, 2010 at ~6 am: Daddy holding Haley before she went in for surgery. Look how big she was! She was pretty zonked out with her binky, thinking "What are these crazy people doing up in the middle of the night?!?" I'm so glad she got to sleep through everything. She looked awfully cute in her little scrubs, as she did in everything.

Tonight I had some much needed Baby Therapy. After taking the dogs for a walk up the hill this evening I decided to run some little presents I'd gotten for Lauren Hildy out to John & Angie's house and hope that I could sneak in some baby kisses. Boy was I in luck! She had just had her bottle and a bath and was quite the happy little bright-eyed and bushy-tailed monster! I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I've seen her, and she is so pretty, she even reminds me a bit of my Haley-bug. I got to hold her for almost 2 hours, and for the last half hour she was asleep and making all those adorable baby-sleeping-faces: smiling, frump faces, etc. I got to give her lots of smooches on the top of her head and on her chubby cheeks, and I got to rock her to sleep - something I miss doing SO much. She was even like Haley in the fact that when she got a little sleepy she wanted her binky, but then when she fell asleep she would spit it out and not want it anymore - so much better than when they insist on having it to be able to sleep! :) She is a sweet, beautiful little girl and John and Angie definitely seem like proud, happy parents (as they should be!)

I've been in need of baby therapy because we moved back into our house this Monday for the first time since Haley passed away (we've been staying with my parents, thank you so much for putting up with us for so long Mom and Dad!!) Clearly it's been a long over due move, and Chad is really happy to be home - but unfortunately I can't say the same for myself. I know I should like to be here, that I should be able to think of all the good, happy memories I have here with Haley-Cricket. To be honest it is good for Chad and I to be on our own again, but it's just not good to be here. All I can think of is how wrong it feels to be here without her. When I sit at the dining room table and eat my dinner that tastes like sawdust, all I can think about is the fact that her high chair should be there next to me. Our middle living room always had this awkward space that we didn't know what to do with until Haley came along and it was the perfect place for her pack n' play, and now there's that huge, gaping hole where she should be - filling up the living room with its awkwardness again but now it's 10 times worse. I can't bear to go upstairs where the carpet should be covered in toys, blankies, and her play-gym. And clearly her nursery is off limits, everything is just stuffed in there now, you can't even walk through there it's so full of swings, bouncy chairs, toys, etc - reminding you that once there was a baby who needed all these things, that they used to be spread all over our house. The guest bedroom next to the nursery is terrible too because it smells like all the good smelling baby stuff in the room next to it - wipes, lotions, dreft. Speaking of dreft, the laundry room is full of dreft and baby fabric softener sheets, not to mention that one of her blankies is still on top of the dryer and I can't stand to put it away. In the bathroom her whale bathtub that she loved so much looks at me every time I'm in there, looking useless and sad but if I put it away there will just be a hole in the bathroom where it belongs like there's a hole in the living room where the pack n' play should be. And when I go to sleep at night, it should be with her night light on in the living room and the bedroom door cracked - listening for contented sleeping baby peeps and squeaks and always keeping one ear open for a little baby roo who might pickle in the middle of the night to tell us she's hungry for some bottle. The silence that fills this house now is louder than any cries that it ever contained before. In fact it's so loud that I can't sleep at night and have to read till I pass out so the deafening quiet doesn't keep me awake. I love this house but I hate this house. It's time to move out. Now if only our Columbus house would sell so we could.

Yay Wisconsin!

Sorry for the delay in posting for the second week in a row, but we flew to Wisconsin yesterday and I was too excited once we got here to sit down and blog - we haven't been here to visit Chad's family in over a year! And since we are visiting, I don't have my computer with me with all of my millions of Haley-Bug pictures on it, so instead I will post a picture of our cutie-pie niece Kylee who we are visiting. :)

Here she is playing with Trip's leash, looking like the ornery little peanut she is! She is a crawling, pulling up, walking while holding onto fingers, cheerios eating, 12-hour sleeping, jibber jabbering machine! I can't believe how much she's changed in the 2.5 months since we last saw her, Melissa and John are lucky people to have such a happy, healthy baby-roo. :)

And speaking of lucky, Kylee is lucky to have healthy, happy parents who love her more than anything too. The other day I was lamenting to my Dad about how it was so frustrating for me to see all those hundreds (and I'm sure thousands) of babies at Children's Hospital who were there all by themselves, all day long, with no one to hold them or visit them. I struggle with moments of rage towards the parents of these children and think that they truly don't deserve them. Why didn't our sweet Haley-bug get to come home with us when we took the best possible care of her we could and spent every minute loving her and praying for her? But those other parents, who don't even visit their babies, just get to show up on discharge day and take home this little baby who probably never or rarely gets the special attention it most likely needs? I think I should get to take those babies home with me, tuck them in my pockets and run away with them. It's just so unfair.

But then, at the end of my tirade, my Dad wisely pointed out that wouldn't Haley rather be a baby who only lived 5.5 months but who was loved ferociously every single second of that time, and who had attention lavished on her and tons of people to love her and pray for her and take good care of her, than be one of those babies who might have gone on to live a long life but who didn't have anyone who loved them enough to even come visit them at the hospital and who probably went home to neglectful environments if not worse? Would you rather live a short but wonderful life or a long and miserable life? And I guess I knew the answer to that, and while I still don't think those people deserve those babies (and I've learned recently that most of those babies are given up for adoption because the people usually don't ever show up to pick them up from the hospital), I now realize that truly I am still luckier than they are and our Haley-Bug was certainly luckier than their sweet babies who are the ones who truly deserve better.

The Wednesday Weekly - one day late!

This video is a little bit silly, we're all trying to get Haley to wave again on video (she'd waved 4 times at 4 different people earlier that day!) but of course she had stage fright and didn't want to cooperate! But I still think it's just too cute to hear her babble away, to her Mimi she loves so much. You'll note that when it comes to me she goes totally quiet - she loved to laugh and smile for mommy, but she liked to talk to everybody else! Don't get me wrong, she'd talk to me every now and again, but usually she saved the long chats for Daddy in the evening when she needed to catch him up on her day. I guess she figured I already knew everything she'd been up to anyway. :)

Earlier this week, Tuesday I think, I was flipping through the TV channels when I came across the new Documentary channel. I thought I'd check it out for a minute, and the documentary that happened to be on was about the average life expectancy in various countries. In the 5 minutes that I watched, they interviewed a woman serving a life sentence in prison with no possibility of parole. She talked about how being in prison and having no chance of that ever changing had made her finally wake up and live every moment to the fullest. That her goal every moment was to make it as good as it could possibly be and to make every encounter she had with each person she came across as positive as possible. She said when she met someone in the hallway she would think to herself "What can I say to them to make them smile?" As the interview progressed, she compared her life sentence to that of the life of a parent who has lost a young child. (You know your life isn't too hot when people serving life sentences in prison think to themselves "What could be worse than this? Losing a child, yep, that's about it.") She claimed that as with parents who've lost children, you just have to deal with the cards your dealt and keep on living. There's nothing else you can do. And she said "I'm not miserable. I'm not happy, but I'm not miserable either." And when she said that, I realized that at that moment her comparison was true so far as I was concerned. On Tuesday, when I was watching that documentary, I may not have been happy but I was no longer miserable. And while I feel confident that I will have miserable moments again, probably even miserable days and miserable weeks, I hope that I will no longer have miserable months and months. But I also hold out hope that one day we will be happy again. That someday there will be a better description for my life than 'not miserable.' But, for now, I'll take it.