Wednesday Weekly

"Hmm, which do I love more, cheeker kisses or necky kisses? That's a tough question Mommy! I'll have to chew on my tasty finger and think about it for a minute... :)"

Her sleeper pretty much sums it up - she is beyond adorable! That sleeper came with a little bib that said "Off to Grandma's", and underneath her sleeper she was wearing a long sleeved onesie that said "Grandpa's Girl", so she's very pro Grandma & Grandpa in this picture. :) As she should be!

So my blog is getting to be more of a Wednesday weekly than a Daily Haley (with the occasional mid week bonus post), but you'll have to forgive me the false advertising because I don't think I'll be changing the name in spite of the fib! If I was going to rename it more aptly it would be the Million-times-Daily Haley - because that's how often I think of her, and I only wish that I had a million new pictures of her from each day to post for all of you.

Today was a long day, I don't think I've been left to my own devices/home alone for more than an hour at most in the last month, and never at all in the last 6.5 months (oh, how I wish I never had a minute alone again, if that would mean my Bug was here!) Today I was here by myself for about 11 hours, though I did trick Jason into taking me to dinner at the Mexican restaurant in town and that took up an hour of my lonely 11. (Thanks Jason. :) Glad the Mexicans are sexist, haha.) It went alright though, and I did realize that the reason I've been having constant headaches is because I'm subconsciously clenching my jaw all the time. Even though I now realize what I'm doing, I still catch myself doing it all the time when I'm not actively preventing myself from clenching it - ouch! I'm going to have to figure out some way to stop that soon. Chadmo's obviously having similar issues because he's been grinding his teeth in his sleep about a thousand times more than he used to, I have to keep poking him at night and making him stop.

Ah, stress. I think we could all use a nice big dose of Valium. Or a Haley hug.

1 month

We miss you more than anything in the whole entire world Haley-bug. We love you more than anything in the whole entire world too, and we continue to love you more and more each day.

I carry you with me

into the world,

into the smell of the rain

& the words that dance

between people

& for me,

it will always

be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive

together

- (Living Memory) by Brian Andreas, storypeople.com

Beautiful Wednesday

"Hmph, don't try to distract me with pretty pink teething rings, I see that camera playing paparazzi again!"

The weather seems to have been being particularly beautiful on every Wednesday since Haley-bug passed away, as if she's saying 'I'm still here, walking with you and loving you.' We actually didn't walk today, but we did walk yesterday and Monday. And in all our many trips we've made back to her cemetery, we have never seen a red cardinal there again - much less one singing its' heart out as one did during her graveside service. Thank you Grandma Mitchell.

Yesterday when we went we picked some of the beautiful daffodils that have been blooming all around here to take to her. We have her grave covered with flowers, and it's fun because the deer obviously enjoy the snack we're providing them with. They don't like daffodils though, or carnations, so we're starting to figure out what to put on there if we want something to last. But really I like to think of them, coming and munching on her bouquets and walking around in that cemetery at dusk.

Today as I was lounging on the couch and reading, I could actually hear the music from Haley's play gym playing in my head and I could envision her lying there, kicking away, talking to her butterflies, and smiling when I came to peek at her over the top of bar. I can still feel the weight of her in my arms, smell the wonderful baby smell from the top of her head, and hear her fussing 'pick me up' noise. I don't think I will every truly believe that she is gone, that I will never get to hold or kiss her again. I think my brain must have decided that if I want to stay sane that it should never allow this thought to root itself in my brain. I can't say I blame it or disagree.

Life is surreal lately. Time ticks by, the days seem normal enough, we go to work, fix dinner, eat, watch tv, do laundry, go for walks, feed the dogs, brush our teeth (though I really never sleep anymore, if you know me, you know how un-Kristy like that is), we shower, we grocery shop, we read books, we go to the bank, we act normal. But nothing is normal. Everything sort of feels like it's on hold but you don't know what you're waiting for? Waiting for Haley to magically appear? To come back from the hospital? To wake up and realize it was all a horrible nightmare? I think everyone of us has had dreams where she miraculously recovers, gets better, and comes home - only to wake up and be devastated all over again. If only dreams really did come true.

St Patrick's Day - 2 weeks and 3 days

"Here Mommy, let me test your finger and see if you are fat enough yet for the evil witch to roast in her oven... Not quite, would you like some of my bottles to help you out?? They sure make me adorable and full of wonderful baby-chub rolls!"
I feel like I should write a cheerful post and tell you about all of the things we've been doing to keep busy and the fun we've been having with the best friends anyone could ask for, that way you can all think we're doing better (or at least well) and not worry about us. But, in spite of all the things we've been doing and the wonderful friends, that would be a lie. I think instead of feeling better as the days go by I, in fact, feel worse. Each day I miss her more and more, and exactly as the 'Guide to Grieving' booklet said I would, I think to myself "But I was doing so well, what happened?" Maybe it is just all the people being gone, the shock wearing off, the realization that life moves on without our cherished Haley-bug, or the fact that designing a gravestone for your 5 1/2 month old daughter is something you should never have to do. Maybe it's because it's St. Patrick's Day and I wish I could dress her in green and threaten to pinch her, or the fact that the weather was so beautiful out today and she would have loved our Wednesday afternoon walk back to Serio's when she wouldn't have had to be bundled up like a little Laplander baby. Perhaps it was that horrible Williams-Sonoma catalog that arrived with all the Easter decorations on the front - and I could just picture Mr. Bun-Bun celebrating his favorite holiday for years to come by being the star of Haley's Easter basket, dressed in a new outfit each year, and filling her Easter basket with the chocolate lady bugs that were just a few pages into the catalog. That Easter reminds me of the beautiful Tulip dress she got from Aunt Kelly, that would've fit her perfectly this Easter and now she will never get to wear it. That I can't imagine a single holiday without her, nor do I want to. Maybe it was the picture on the back of a magazine, a picture of a Daddy holding a little girl in the crashing waves of the ocean, and the fact that we are supposed to go to the beach without our Haley-bug this year and that there is nothing I would rather do less. She will never sit on the beach and have the waves crash on her feet, chase real crabs with flash lights, and get salt water in her mouth. I don't want to go on vacation, and I don't want there to be holidays, and I don't want the world to keep pretending like things are normal - but that would be giving up, that would be not living life, and that is not an option. So we go to work, and we smile, and we try to keep living life - because what else can we do?

Questions

"What is this silly shirt doing, puffed up in front of my face? Is it good to chew on? No. Does it get in the way when I try to put toys in my mouth? Definitely! Mommy!! New shirt please!"

Oh this picture breaks my heart.

Of course I love all of the ones of her smiling, all the pictures that anyone would think were cute, but it's this type of picture - where I can hear her talking, see her big personality, remember how funny she was, remember all the fun things she was learning and just starting to be able to do - these are the ones that break my heart. I just want to smooch her neck that smelled so good, chew on her chubby fingers, tickle her feet, breathe in the good smell of the top of her head, blow raspberries on her belly, tell her 'good morning', change her stinky diapers, play peek-a-boo in the mirror together, and kiss her till I pass out from exhaustion. How can a baby with such a bad heart be so perfect? Why her? Why us? Why not something more fixable? She had so many things going for her (according to the cardiologists), why does it work for the little boy who was 3 months premature and had HLHS and everything else against him, but not for my happy, thriving, full term HLHS Haley-Bug?

I know these are questions I will never have answers to. And I know they don't help, and even if I had the answers I don't think they would make me feel any better. But I can't drive them from my mind, I cannot help but think them 1,000 times a day.

When I started re-reading the Twilight series yesterday (junk food reading is a very good distraction for me when I'm depressed) I found a line that really struck home:

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." -Stephanie Meyer

Haley-bug was beyond our expectations. If we'd lived 25 years ago we wouldn't have had her for more than 3 or 4 days. Dr. Galantowicz gave us 5.5 precious months, they offered us a chance for a beautiful baby girl where otherwise there would have been none. And we took it. No, we didn't hope for 5.5 months, we hoped for 30 years (at least). If originally they had offered us a baby for 5.5 months I would've thought that sounded horrible, and while it is horrible - so horrible to have lost her - I am so eternally grateful for every second that we did have with her. So eternally grateful that her 5.5 months were happy, filled with love, laughter, and more love. She taught me more in her short life than in the last 25 years combined. And this is what gets me through. This is what gets me through the horribleness of this all, the fact that I am grateful for the time we did have when really we shouldn't have had any, and that while I grieve for the end of our beautiful dream it is better than grieving for never getting to dream at all.

"We can't feel saddened over the loss of those we love, without first remembering the joy of loving them. The real sadness would have been never having had them in our lives at all. Remembering is a journey the heart takes, back into a time that was, and our thoughts are all that we need to visit. We who have truly loved, are blessed." -Flavia

I miss blogging...

...Though I know it's mostly because I miss getting to take new

pictures of Haley-bug everyday. Oh my little Sweet Pea, how I miss

you so.

I do have a few pictures of Bug that I'd never had a chance to post - ones from the last few days before the hospital that were on my

camera but not yet on my computer. So in the interest of stretching them out and making them last for more posts, I will only put one

up at a time (though many of them are very similar). I know I could never pick just one out of a series anyway, and now I will have to

ration the cuteness.

The Rose Beyond the Wall

A rose once grew

where all could see,

sheltered beside

a garden wall.

And, as the days

passed swiftly by,

it spread its branches,

straight and tall...

One day,

a beam of light shone through

a crevice that had opened wide -

The rose bent gently

toward its warmth

then passed beyond

to the other side...

Now,

you who deeply feel its loss,

be comforted -

the rose blooms there -

Its beauty greater now,

nutured

by God's own loving care.

This is a poem on one of the sympathy cards we received today,

and it really touched me. This is how I picture our Haley now, still

blooming, beautiful, and happy - and now her heart is whole at

last. I know she is not sad, that all my sadness is for myself. I'm

selfish and want her here with me. Dying doesn't scare me, but I

have always been afraid of losing those I love. And now that my

worst fear has come true, I know that that fear was well founded

because the ache it leaves inside me is terrible. The selfish part of

me wants her here so bad, I would do anything to have her back.

Though I know she is in a better place now, that she is home and

resting, that she is blooming ever more beautiful, I still want her

back in my arms. I cannot imagine that even the most selfless

person could want anything but this of their own child as well, so I

will forgive myself I suppose. But oh, how I want her.

Happy 30th Birthday Chadmo!

Chadmo turned 30 today - I can't believe I'm married to such an old man! He took today off work too, but he will be heading back tomorrow. We had a nice day together, and he must've been a good boy this year because it was beautiful weather. But I guess I already knew that anyway...

After sleeping in we walked down to Haley-Bug's grave site and put two big bouquets of flowers on her grave and visited with her for awhile. While we were walking there with the flowers, I noticed that the florist had glued a little lady bug to one of the big flowers, which I hadn't noticed before. As Patty was telling us when she was here, things seem like coincidences until you start looking for them. I think that lady bug was our little Bug saying hello to us and Happy Birthday to her Daddy. We so wish she was here to celebrate with us, maybe try some cake frosting for the first time, and enjoy the beautiful spring weather. What we wouldn't give to hear her laugh again and smooch her cheeks one more time.

We have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of love we have received from so many people since Haley-bug's death over a week ago. We have gotten over a hundred cards, and if you count emails and facebook then I'm sure we've received well over 200. We have even received cards from sweet people we have never met but who heard about Haley's blog from a friend of a friend of a friend, and I cannot convey how much it touched me to realize just how many other lives our beloved Haley's short life touched. We thank you all because those are the only words we have to express our gratitude for your support during our grief, but they are not adequate words. Since they are all I have, I thank you again and again and again.

Our Little Haley-Bug

Our beloved Haley-bug passed away at 3:00 am on February 28, 2010 due to surgical and post-operative complications. We held her in our arms as she left for Heaven and the hugs and kisses of Grandpa McMillan and Grandma Mitchell. We are so grateful that the last thing she remembered was sleeping peacefully in our arms before surgery. She was even sedated before they took her away from us, so we know that she slept through everything. She was and always will be the best thing that ever happened to us. We didn't know that it was possible for our hearts to shatter into such small pieces and yet still survive.

A funeral service will be held at Cardaras Funeral Home in Logan, Ohio at 11 am on Wednesday the 3rd with a graveside service immediately following. Everyone is welcome.

We love you more than anything in the whole world Haley-bug, thank you for the best 5.5 months of our lives. ~ Mommy & Daddy